It's All About Me.....again

Well, well, well......it looks as if we only have 117 days to go until Christmas! HUH?! Seriously? Where did the last year go already?

OK, enough about that. I need to get in to a serious topic today. Me. LOL, I know I know....it's always all about me, isn't it?

Chris and I were talking last night and he said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said "I just want my wife back, she only shows up once or twice a month". WOW. ouch.

We were talking in bed and laughing about a lot of things. The conversation went from that to an always hot topic....me, me, me and my situation. It frustrates him to watch me go through this and not be myself. I KNOW! I'm the one going through it! He always tells me how frustrated he gets because there isn't anything he can do to change it. I know that too and him getting frustrated makes me feel worse. I try to tell him that, but it seems to never sink in. Anyway, this is NOT to rant about Chris because he is supportive. Sometimes, I just think he doesn't get it, even though he thinks he does......he can't feel what I feel and he doesn't fully understand it. He doesn't fully understand that part of me. Heck....I have a hard time understanding it myself sometimes! I went out after he fell asleep and looked at our engagement picture on the wall for a bit. I looked so.....different then. I looked happy and alive. I looked rested and complete. Now here I am...the opposite and I'm sick of it! I prayed last night and cried out to God again to please get me out. No one wants to hire me, and I can't keep going on like this. I can only come to one conclusion....God is getting ready to make His move. I feel like God is getting ready to unleash a big change for us. I just feel it. There aren't any "signs" or anything even being talked about as far as work goes besides Chris moving to another project sometime around December maybe.

I'm half excited at the prospect of getting out of here. I'm half excited at moving to a possible North Carolina or somewhere that is not a huge freaking city that makes me want to vomit. Only half though because it's going to be further away from my family than I have ever lived. We are two hours away now. IF we ended up getting sent to NC (I'm kinda hoping and for this one), it would be more like 8. I am not afraid to fly, so it's not an issue for me. I KNOW that this whole moving this is going to be a part of my life weather I like it or not. It's just the way it is and I am learning to accept that. I am learning that I can't control it....I can't control anything....only God can. It's taken me almost 4 years to accept that we could be shipped off at any given time, but I think I finally have. Not to say that it won't be hard when we do have to move, but I won't be as terrified of the unknown.
I'm ready for a change, I know that much. I'm ready to leave this insanity behind and move on. I'm ready to enjoy myself once again and not have to feel like everything we do is a chore because I am so worn out. I'm ready for a new challenge from God. If and when we move, I will miss being so close to my parents and family terribly. I will miss the fact that they won't be able to just make a day trip or weekend trip without flying (which my Mom won't do). If we go soon, we will lose money on our house because of the crappy market. It will be yet another adjustment period and another round of job hunting in a new area for me (which, trust me....I am FINE with!). I will miss my church.....a lot. I've really grown to love our church and the people we have met through it. BUT, I feel like it will be a welcome change. A fresh start for me to really sink my feet in and become that wife that I need to be for Chris; become a mother and raise our kids in a better place than DC where people get shot in broad daylight ALL.OF.THE.TIME.

I need your good thoughts and prayers......I want out and I think I'm ready for the change. Right now, I may be holding us back though because our company knows that Chris and I are a package deal. They won't put him somewhere without me. As in, I am stuck in this crazy craphole until August of 2008 unless I find another job and that may screw us up. If I don't, my position could keep us in this area even longer and squash some opportunity that Chris has to go elsewhere. I don't want that to happen and I certainly don't want this lifestyle anymore. I don't want Chris to almost fall asleep behind the wheel anymore while driving and I don't want to burn holes in my sheets anymore because I am so restless. I want to sleep and feel peaceful again and most importantly......let Chris have his wife back!

PRAYERS PLEASE!!!!!!!!