The gnome (remember him from this post) fell over a bunch of boxes today, flat on his face. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen! He was fine and of course I asked, but as soon as he was gone....I lost it, I busted up laughing. Now....our entire staff has heard and is laughing because the gnome is NOT well liked in these parts. I mean....he does say "douche it out".
In other bodily news....I am spotting today. I am due for my period tomorrow or Thursday, so we will just have to see I guess. I'm thinking this is more of a weird month for me than anything. I have all of these period/pregnancy symptoms, but I don't "feel" pregnant. I "feel" like crawling in to bed for a week. Add my allergies on top of these "feelings" and I am an unproductive pile of sludge.
I guess we just have to wait it out. Like my only female co-worker said today when I was talking to her about it......I am going to be happy and sad at the same time with either result.
On one hand.....yes, I want a baby and I'm really excited to become pregnant. = HAPPY
On the other hand......I know that Chris isn't as ready as I am (and I can't blame him for his reasoning which is the following) and we are trying to pay off some debt and get a bigger house before we have a baby.
So, If it is a BFP, I will be happy, yet scared and sad and nervous.
If it is a BFN, I will be relieved, yet sad
Everything happens for a reason, right?
I just keep telling myself that it will happen when God wants it to happen. God's timing is perfect.
Other random brain thoughts:
Not sure where we will be in 6 months. I'm hoping that Chris' time on his current project is coming to an end quickly. A small part of me is hoping that we can leave this area. I hate it here. I really do. I like where we are now, but it's just growing so fast......it's going to lose it's small town charm soon. I'm not saying that I want to go thousands of miles away. I don't. I don't have a good solution because we are only 2 hours from our family and I LOVE that! I LOVE knowing that I can make a day trip home, or if something happens, I know that I can get there pretty quickly. What I do know is that I HATE this life that we live. I hate the hectic pace that we have to take everyday. I hate that we fight when we have to run errands because we are both tired and Chris gets grumpy when we don't have a list, or I just want to browse sometimes. Shopping helps relieve stress for me, even if it is window shopping sometimes. It creates more for Chris because all he is seeing is $ signs. We're just different that way.
It so freaking stupid to fight over errands and who cleans what all of the time and blah blah blah. I'm SOOOOOOO freaking over it. I'm so over this lifestyle. Where is my white freaking picket fence life in the burbs!? Where is the one kid I wanted to have now and where are the quality hours I want to spend with my husband? Consumed by commuting, work and fatigue. Well, this whole trying to find a job thing sucks. What I want to do, or what I FEEL like I am being called to do is to get myself ready to have a child and concentrate on taking care of my family....including Chris. I feel like I need to be more of a support to my husband instead of trying to compete with him....because I do.
I'm an incredibly competitive person and I hate when I can't do something, or can't do it right. I think this goes back to days when I was in school. In elementary school, I went to a reading specialist....Mrs. Mattern. She was a sweet lady. I was never the brightest student and I had a few teachers that made that known to me....A LOT. I never really talk about this side of me because I hate thinking about it. I hate remembering how stupid I felt at times...especially when it came to math. I never failed any grades or anything, I just got criticized by a few teachers here and there. I remember my 9th and 10th grade algebra teacher....Mrs. Weachter. She was a witch. Every time she made us go to the blackboard to do a problem, I would get so freaking scared of her while I was doing it because I knew that if it wasn't right, she would tell me that we have been over it multiple times and that she can't believe I still don't get it and that our test is tomorrow and if I don't get this I am going to fail. All while I was standing in front of a class. I was always so frustrated with her and myself that it took a lot for me to hold back tears. I had a few other teachers that were like that. My 5th grade teacher....Mr. Mateer. Complete jerk. Dumped my desk in from of my whole class because I forgot to take a math test home I failed to get signed by my parents. yeah. Sometimes, it was rough. I always just put it in the back of my mind and tried to move on. Over the years, my confidence in my intelligence has gone down the boob tube. I've just always felt like I can't do anything right....no matter how hard I try. When I get criticized by people (especially those I care deeply about)....it hurts because this is the area that I lack the MOST confidence in.
ya know.....I don't think I have EVER opened up about this before really. A few times to Chris maybe....and my parents when I was still in school, but I always just push it away because I don't want to deal with it.....EVER.
Anyway, back to the support my family factor. God created women to be the mans helper and I ALWAYS struggle with that. I'm the girl who wants to be able to DO for myself and not have to depend on anyone else. If something ever happened to Chris and I was a SAHM.....what in the world would I do? If I'm having trouble now......how would I support myself after being out of work? I know it can be done, but holy cow.....the prospect of that is scary! I'm trying to overcome my competitive nature. One day.....I want to be the family supporter....I want to be the Martha Stewart (minus the jail thing of course) SAHM.....who takes care of her family and herself. The one who has it all together and everyone looks at her like "how in the world.....?" At least, that's what I "feel".
I think I will call my Mom tonight and talk to her about it.....if I don't fall asleep an hour after I get home AGAIN.
Anyway, once again......thanks for the outlet girls......it's awesome to be a part of this community that we have!
5 comments:
WOW, I totally relate to your feelings in this post on many, many things you said!!!! You are not alone in all those thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I understand and feel the same way as you do.
I hope you get the results you are wanting from your pregnancy test, if you take one. Though it sounds like (and I feel you here) it's a toss up - you'll be happy and sad either way. And I don't want to get pg now for the same reasons you said you don't want to. But sometimes, I do want to get pg now. It's confusing!
And I really relate to you about wondering about your husband's job situation 6 months from now (I am going through the same thing right now), wondering when we will have time to be together, not fight about cleaning the house, have the whole picket fence dream, etc.
I am sorry your math teachers made your life so miserable!! I can relate to it really bothering you when you're not really good at something, it drives me crazy too. I definitely wish I was less like that.
Sweet revenge, too, that the gnome fell! But I am also happy he didn't get badly hurt. That way you could laugh about it and not feel like a horrible person!
i am with you - on most of it! the happy/sad thing is so the truth...the mind and emotion combo is a powerful thing, and understanding what you said about it, i can see how the happy/sad thing would work. i hope whatever the result - the best for you two, of course.
with wondering where dh will be in 6 mths...aric is going back to school!hello! - huge question marks everywhere because of that. once he gets going with his major and all, what is that going to do to us? our time?
i do hate the hurry-up-and-wait game!
I can understand your frustration--it can't be easy to be battling two different wants at the same time--the want to be an independant, self-sufficient woman, and the other want to be a SAHM. Take comfort that many, many women before, during and after you have felt the SAME way. I know I have from time to time, especially when I contemplate how scary it would be to have kids and not have another income coming in--whoo!!!
Just trust in yourself, and if you guys aren't financially/emotionally/physically ready to have kids yet, then maybe re-evaluate your situation 3-6 months down the road. Talk it over with Chris--I'm sure he probably feels just as tired as you do over everything. I hope it all works out for you guys!
I know exactly how you feel!! I am a SAHM and I do worry sometimes about what would happen if anything were to ever happen to Nathan. I have no idea what I'd do and it's a scary thing. I've been working on the Medical Transcription school though and that makes me feel better! It's a scary thing!
Good luck with the pg test, if you have to take one! I hope you get the results you want although you're not totally sure what result that is :) I'll be thinking about you!
I'm so sorry, I have utterly and completely sucked at commenting this week - and I have absolutely NO excuse!
It's so frustrating/confusing/scary not knowing where you'll be in 6 months or even a year. DH and I went through that last year when I was still in school, had quit the job I hated and were praying for something to come along. Not always a ton of fun.
I feel the same way about getting pg as you. I WANT to, but I also know that now isn't the best time - I'd be happy-sad either way.
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