BABY FEVER. I have it. Pretty bad.
Most days, having a baby is what a lot of my thoughts revolve around. How would it work in our lives, what changes will occur, how will we do it in a condo, when will we be able to buy another house, how will I feel, will I be able to stay home like I really want to?
All of these questions roll through my mind continuously throughout the day. Chris and I have talked about it and decided to wait until next year to start trying. We want to pay off some debt and be a little closer to being able to buy a house bigger than our condo. We figured that we will make do in the condo for the first year give or take (really, until he/she starts to walk). It is going to be a SUPER tight squeeze! My scrapbooking area and out computer area will have to go unless we turn our sun room (now dining room) in to our den and put our dining room table by our fireplace. We have had it arranged this way before so it is doable. I want our baby to have a nursery. I don’t want to miss out on the excitement of preparing a new little haven for our little one!
Anyway, there ARE days where I think that I don’t know if I could do it because I am so tired, but then I realize why I am so drained. Work and our commute. I won’t be doing that when a little one comes around. Of course I will be tired….I know that, but it will be a different kind of exhaustion….mommy exhaustion, not travel and work to pay the bills exhaustion. Those days are VERY few and far between.
Chris turned 27 last December and I turned 27 this past April. I know I am ready, but I’m not going to push Chris because he is FAR from ready. Honestly, I don’t know if he will ever be ready….at least that’s what he says. Have any of your other girls gone through the “I’m ready, but he’s not” stage? Chris is a bit of a big kid and that is one of the things that I love about him, BUT because he is such a big kid, doing things like chores and errands are an inconvenience for him. He hates to run errands especially. Anyway, my point is that if he isn’t ready, I’m not pushing because if we have a baby and he isn’t ready, I don’t want a miserable husband. I want a husband who I don’t have to push to have a baby and a husband that is so freaking excited when we find out that we are pregnant. I’m just scared that he won’t be that way and that he will feel “inconvenienced” because he might not get to watch football all day on Sunday’s, and he might not be able to play poker and have a drink whenever he wants. His role will change from big kid, to father and I don’t want him to resent me for it.
Please don’t misunderstand this post. Chris is a great guy, he just likes things his way.
I guess a part of me is just afraid that he will never be ready. If any of you have dealt with the same type of feelings, please share with me how to make them go away.
I’m excited about the TTC process and pregnancy and having a little one. I just really hope that I am able to stay home…even if I have to work part-time, that’s fine, as long as it is in our town and not 50 miles away from my baby. Some serious lifestyle changes need to occur in both Chris and I. I need to get focused on taking care of my mind, body and spirit and Chris needs to do the same. I need to take vitamins, exercise regularly, and sleep a lot more than 4 or 5 hours a night. Chris needs to cut back on his beer consumption, and exercise regularly also. So far, we have both quit smoking (WOO HOO!) and we are changing our eating habits. I have been cooking a lot more lately, tired or not and the meals have been healthy. These are two huge steps in the right direction for TTC.
Anyway girls, thanks for letting me get this off of my chest. I just hope that Chris will be ready someday. Are they ever REALLY ready?
12 comments:
I have had the same feelings and it's not uncommon that Chris isn't ready. Matt and I always said that we would wait 5 years (and we just started year 3) before we would try for a baby, and lately my desire for a baby has increased and left me wondering if I'll be able to wait.
I totally understand you wanting Chris to be over the moon when you find out you're expecting and that you don't want him to resent you or the baby (I struggle with those same feelings because I don't think Matt would be excited right away if I were to get pregnant now).
I don't have any answers as to how to make the feelings go away, because I think that if a desire is given to us by God, it won't go away. But I will tell you that praying has helped me tremendously and really giving over that "void" that I feel to Him and asking Him to fill it instead. Some days are better than others, but it's better than struggling with them alone.
I'll be praying for you dear, and let me know if you need to vent....I'm here and I understand!
Love,
Erin
Nathan and I went through the same thing! I've been ready almost the whole time we've been married but Nathan wasn't ready. I waited 2 years for him to be ready. One day in September I said to him "for Christmas, I'd like my present to be that I'm pregnant" and he said "okay" I guess he just decided that he was ready then and we got a positive pregnancy test 2 weeks later :) I'm sure Chris will come around..I know how hard it is to wait though! I was so anxious those two years, but I promise, the wait is totally worth it! I don't know what I'd do without my little Cade that we have now :)
I think you will know when the time is right for both of you. Maybe set a date where you will bring it up to discussion again and see if he has changed. My experience has been that time brings along changes of heart and mind. And setting a goal (like a year) is good too. It is amazing what can happen in a year. Another piece of advice...there is no "perfect" or "right" time. You will never have everything just the way you would envision it to be to have a child. Things end up falling into place just as they should. Gosh...that is so cool to hear that you got Baby fever!!!
it is a life change and you are right about not pushing chris - but you both need to change things for a little one. re-evaluating everything is normal and expected and its not a bad idea to start thinking those things out - a year might seem like a long time, but it really does fly - so start talking and thinking it out so when its a go - ITS A GO!!!
i wish you luck and sanity in this - i know what its like to have the fever really badly :-)
I think that everyone goes through the same thing you're going through. I had baby fever from the day we said "I do" and wanted to start trying right away. And, like Chris, Josh was NOT ready then. And, to be honest...he wasn't even "ready" when we found out we were pregnant. But, he's so excited about it now. Josh wasn't exactly jumping up and down when I showed him the test, but I knew he'd get there. And, he has. He kinda saw it coming....it's a long story, but, I had gone off the pill (mostly because I hated the way I felt on it) because I was ready...and I found it hard to "remember" to take it like I was supposed to. I felt like if I wasn't taking it the way I was supposed to and we had a "whoopsie" I'd be blamed for it. So, I basically told him that if he wasn't ready then he needed to take control of things and "wrap it up" if you will. That way if something happened, or he just didn't feel like using a condom then the ball was in his court. I started charting and learned when it was that I was fertile so that we didn't have to use those all the time...and I told him when he needed to be careful. The ONE time (and seriously, ONE) he didn't care too much about it was the perfect time. So...he kinda saw it coming and it wasn't as big of a shock to him.
Anyways...You're right though, you can't pressure him into something that he's just not ready for. It's hard though, especially when it's all you think about! He'll come around though. And, I don't know if he's anything like Josh, but the thought of JOsh turning 30 in the next few years, now he's all about gettin' more outta me! Ugh, hello!? Don't think so! We're waiting a while between kids! :o) So, maybe once he finally realizes that you two aren't getting any younger and it's time ot be a big boy he'll come to.
Try to be patient though...but I think it is important for him to know how much it means to you.
Well, this has gotten WAAAY too long. Sorry for all the rambling!
Wow, my life sounds just like yours!! haha! I have wanted a baby since forever it seems. Adam has always said he's not ready. So I told him that I wanted to have kids by the time Im 30 - or at least thats when we'd start... so he agreed to that. and then after we got married, that has changed a little bit and now it seems that hes more ready and we are planning on TTC next fall - after a trip to europe.
I can't say what it was exactly that made him change his mind or whatever, but I think its just something he did on his own. I made sure he knew that I dont want to be an old mom, so 30 was for sure my cut off, and he seemed to understand that. I think he just needed some time to get used to it?
I totally understand what you said about getting ready though, he is so not a grown up when it comes to certain things (i.e. sleeping till 3pm on the weekends - him, not me!) but we both do have drinks here and there, and here is something ive never said on my blog but we both smoke too and are planning on quitting before we TTC. (which, btw, if you have any helpful advice on, I would be grateful) We have started eating so much better and also exercising so that is good.
Anyway geez this is getting long. Just wanted to let you know that Im with you!
They are ready and from what you tell us of Chris, he's going to be a great dad!
Yes, roles change and he might not be able to watch endless amounts of football every weekend but he isn't going to want to, either. He's going to want to be outside tossing the football with his son or having a little tea party with his daughter and all her dolls.
You have a time frame and there's plenty of time to start getting Chris used to the idea of being a dad!
best of luck to you! :) babies are so exciting
Thank you for opening up about this. It's a topic that is definitely on peoples' minds a lot (or has been in the past, if they now have a kid), at least I know it's on my mind a lot. I can definitely relate to what you are struggling with. I am glad to see you have already gotten tons of great feedback, so I will keep mine short (at least try to).
To answer one of your questions (sorry I can't resist doing this...), the question of "how will we do it in a condo?", well, you can to it in your bed, or anywhere else for that matter! Hahaha, I know, bad joke! Sorry!
I can relate to your feelings about your husband, and the wondering of "will he EVER be ready? will he EVER want to have a baby like I want to? will he be as excited as I will be"? That type of thinking I do all the time, too. While emotionally I am ready, logically and time-wise I am not. But my DH is none of the above, and I do wonder a lot, how long is it going to take him to be emotionally ready and excited like I am? It's a really tough question, and unfortunately, we can't know the answer.
I wish you the best of luck in restructuring your life for getting ready to TTC - sounds like you are already doing lots of stuff to get ready with the quitting smoking, eating better, etc. I think it's great you are taking steps already so that you are both the best you can be when you start to TTC. And when you do start, I hope it happens easily and without complication!
I have these feelings almost as much as you it sounds. But I too waver from being "completely, I can't wait any longer" ready to "holy cow, I'm not even close to being ready" feelings. Jay and I talk about it all of the time, we have for years. And I know he wants a family with children, but he's more content to sit back and wait for things to come together. We want to buy a new house before we take on such a big responsibility, and after a year and a half of looking, it's a little frustrating having to wait for something I have no idea when it will actually happen. Chris sounds very much like Jay. I think as a couple, I'm much more ready than he is which is good since those first few months, I will be adjusting much more than he will! Like you, I've never wanted to push a baby onto him, although I know in the end he would love it just the same. I think you are doing the best thing and waiting for it to be the right time for both of you and I firmly beleive that only good things will come from that decision. He sounds like a wonderful, fun guy and obviously he loves you. When youtwo do have a baby, I'm sure he will be more willing to take on responsibility and love your child as much as you will. Until that time happens, enjoy your time together, being fancy free. I know you've probably heard that a million times - so have I! But I think it's really true. One of my fears is that our time together will be so few and far between and I'd really miss that special time together. We've been together for ten years, so you'd thin I'd be ready to share, but I'm just not yet! I know it's a hard thing, especially for women becuase our clocks begin to tick and our friends begin to have babies and it's only natural for us to want to share in that very special part of life. No one can tell you when it's right for you, but I believe you two will find that together. Good luck, sometimes I'm just horrible in exerting some patience once I get something in my mind!
I'm a little bit late here, sorry for being lax on the commenting front lately.
We went through the "I'm ready, he's not" thing for three years. And it gets frustrating. But it's not something you can force him to be ready for .. but that doesn't mean you can't talk about it.
What helped us get on the same page was to have discussions (which started out in emails/letters) where I told him why I thought we WERE ready, and WHY I wanted to go ahead and start trying. He, in turn, put forward his concerns and why he didn't think we were there yet. It made him start to think about all the good and fun things instead of the money/time/responsibility worries, and it helped us set goals for what we wanted to accomplish first, and by when.
It took awhile, and even when we started, he wasn't as .. invested in the outcome as I was. But when it came down to the point where we had to decide to quit or go another route, he was the driving force that kept us moving forward.
So ... I think he'll get there. I think you BOTH will get there. Just hang in there.
I feel that way about Kenny too. Trust me, you're not alone on this subject. I know that Kenny is preparing for having a family in his own mind, but in some ways I think that HE thinks that not only is HE not ready for children, but that I'M not either. And that can get frustrating.
What I WILL tell you is what one couple friend of ours told me regarding having kids (they have a two-year-old), "You are NEVER completely ready for kids, no matter how much you prepare." Just remember that and try not to over-analyze it too much. (Easier said than done, right???)
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