I just feel angry

Here I am, to update.

Friday's appointment was a bust. I have NO idea why they wanted me to come in. Chris took the morning off to go with me at an incredibly critical time in his project.

I was SO angry on Friday and yesterday...that's why there was no blogging.

The doctor came in and had no clue why she was seeing me until she read blighted ovum on my chart. She didn't understand why I was there. I told her that the nurse practitioner that I had been dealing with wanted me to be seen because my hcg levels weren't falling fast enough. The doctor apparently had NO idea what that meant. No clue. I was there to be told that I had the same two options I had the day before; and the day before that; and before that and you get the picture. D&C or wait it out.

After the 3 whole minutes she spent with us, I walked out of there fuming. I talked to my Mom and Chris' mom. One of the sweet ladies Chris' mom works with suggested I check if my old OB/GYN in Pennsylvania took my insurance and go see him. He really is a wonderful doctor. He is my Mom and Grandmother's doc. He also delivered my brother and I. Talk about history.

I called my mom and she got in touch with them for me and they, of course, made room, because he is a really great, and caring man. He will explain everything to me and tell me more about my options, why this happens, what to do next, etc. Everything that my doctor here DIDN'T tell me. I shouldn't have to ask a doctor things like how long do we need to wait after I miscarry to start trying again, or what should I do when I miscarry, or simple things that any caring doctor would explain. I HATE living near a big city. I know that there are uncaring and unconcerned doctors everywhere, but it seems so much worse in a city because there are SO may people, ya know?

So, I am in the same exact place I was. Except this week, on Thursday, I leave for the beach with my Mom, Grandmother, Aunt and cousin (who was also my MOH). What a greatly needed trip away it is. I only wish that I could do that with Chris. HE is the one I need a trip away with.

We have been so.....distant lately because of all of this. I am so testy, and miserable and he is trying, but how can I expect him to understand EXACTLY what I feel when that's impossible? He too is hurting, he really is.

Anywho, we were going to grill tonight, but it's stormy and HOOOOOOOT outside...so we are opting for Papa Johns instead. That's sounds good to this half pregnant mama.

Although, I HAVE to tell you about dinner last night. It was SO good! I made balsamic pan cooked chicken breasts, with sauteed onions, topped with melted provolone. I put those on a bed of lettuce that had homemade oil and balsamic vinegar dressing on it, and topped the chicken with fresh cut tomato slices, also topped with the homemade dressing. We had herbed new potatoes as a side and homemade strawberry pie with wheat crust and homemade whipped cream topping. I felt very Martha and LOVED it. It was great.

Still, I'm feeling overwhelmed and kinda like Chris wants to kill me, lol.....I KNOW he doesn't but I am SO moody and just plain angry at this point. I'm trying really hard to not be, but the smallest tiniest little thing sets me off. I just want this to be over already, so I can feel normal again. I haven't felt "normal" in about two years. Working at HP killed me, I got out, and for about two months, it was fine.....then my new job decided to change everything and have me do what I was NOT hired to do.....and I got let go because I wasn't willing to work until 8, 9, or 10 at night. sorry. That same week, we found out we were expecting.....I started temping about a week and a half later, then BOOM, was beaten down with a blighted ovum diagnosis and no heartbeat of our baby.

Soon, I hope we can be normal again. I want nothing more than to have children and raise them in a Godly household in a town where people don't hate their neighbors. Is that so much to ask?

I guess God has a bigger plan.